Well today I received an interesting email from Chris Whyley (one of the department lecturers). It appears I’ve been invited to the annual Whyley BBQ. Traditionally held on graduation weekend, it used to be a celebration for ex-undergraduates, postgrads and lecturers. A few years ago however, it was opened up to a select number of undergraduates – mainly student representatives and those who help out with open days. I am neither. For some reason the department has decided they wish me to join their ranks at this wonderful occasion and who am I to argue.
Ian has been invited since he is a student rep, so chances are I’ll go along with him. It’s a while off yet though so I’ll sort things out closer to the time. Sounds like a great laugh though.
Accompanying this invite email was a hilarious guide to newcomers to the event – it certainly cheered up my break between revision sessions. Since I’m nice, I decided to copy it in below. Enjoy. 
Regular attendees will know that this is a sedate, cultured affair with a varied mix of interesting people conversing about many things. They will also know that everything changes at about 8:00 p.m. when the influence of the lower classes (students etc.) begins to make itself felt. Therefore if you haven’t been before you are strongly advised to read the following sections for information about what you should and should not do.Accommodation.
Dr. and Mrs Treavett have the use of Gemma’s room. Dr. Satherly shares the utility room with the washing machine, the freezer and anybody else he can lure in (or bring with him). There is plenty of room on the floor for anybody who wishes to bring their own bedding, however, it is strongly recommended that you see where Ann is sleeping first so that you can avoid being on a direct line between her and the bathroom. Three lawns are available for camping. Campers should arrive early (2:00 p.m.
ish) so that they can sort out their equipment before eating and drinking. Late arrivals will have to choose between camping on a slope or waiting until the day guests have left. Camper vans can be left in the drive (not the church car park). Several local establishments within staggering distance offer bed and breakfast.
Food.
A small seperate barbeque and seperate utensils will be used for vegetarian food. Veggies should bring their own food which will be cooked for them but they will need to indicate when it is done. If you or anybody in your party has a food allergy please let us know and small portable barbeques will be used for you (or possibly your food). Normal people should not bring any meat. Salads, all meat, and this year for the first time fish, will be provided by us. You should bring plenty of beer, wine etc and we appreciate one pudding per party. A tub of ice-cream is perfectly acceptable but home made creations are hugely popular and therefore encouraged. Once again the main barbeque is being provided by the local pub ([name removed]) and once again we will be showing our appreciation of this by going up there to thank them at about 9:00 p.m. Last year it took some of us five hours to thank them sufficiently.
The landlady hopes to arrive this year earlier than 8:30.Guests
All invitees are allowed to bring a partner / guest. You may only bring parents by prior arrangement. You may bring as many children as you wish but you MUST take at least as many away. Following last year’s violation of this rule it will be stricly policed this year. (The ten year old boy who was left behind last year emailed me to say that he is quite happy with his new family, that “daddy” Bin Laden looks after him very well, that he is only beaten once a day now, and he really enjoys his weekly meetings at the 21st Al Quaida Cub Scout Group). Parents of babies are obliged to bring them and hand them in to the hostess on arrival. Breast feeding mothers should be aware that we pre-empted the Governments policy on public breast-feeding 18 years ago so please go ahead without asking for permission. If you want to be more discreet then there are plenty of rooms available indoors. Parents of young children should be aware that there are vast quantities of water in the garden and great care and attention should be taken at all times. Educational trips to the Great Lake are encouraged under parental supervision. To the parents of teenagers all I can say is that I am most truly sorry, but that if you find a way of dealing with the problem please let me know.Sport.
This will be the usual events including trampolining and cricket. We will be repeating last year’s successfull inovation of furniture arrangement so you will all automatically take part in the cricket, most of you without knowing that you are doing so. All that is required is a free hand and careful consideration of the safety of your drink. Members of the AUT and NATFHE (which by then will be UCU) should take great care not to carry out any assessment of the batsmen. If you are asked to decide whether or not a batsman is out you should reply “My union orders me not to take part in any decision as to the suitability of this batsman to progress with his/her innings”. Similarly no points should be awarded to the trampoliners for artistic impression.Culture.
Music will be provided. This will unfortunately be selected by a sixteen year old boy so if you have better tasts (and I sincerely hope you do) you are welcome to bring your own. Most formats are playable. If you can play a musical instrument you are encouraged to bring it along. Guitars and saxaphones are the best. Recorders are banned. Grand pianos are acceptable by prior arrangement. After last years 2:00 a.m. display of dancing we have invited the neighbours this year. (Most of them seem to have chosen to go on holiday at that time this year!). Dancing the dawn up is therefore a possibility this year, although hopefully to something better than Abba’s greatest hits! By the way, if it was you who left that behind last year could you please collect it? We have been completely unable to destroy it, dispose of it or make it unplayable.
Since we have such a multi-cultural guest list it would be nice to see some traditional music and dancing. (If you come from Middlesborough you’ll have to look up CULTURE in a dictionary). Pyjamas can be worn at any time (but 3:00 p.m. is a little strange Andrea). Since J.K.Rowling has graciously decided not to publish the next Harry Potter on the eve of this year’s barbeque a reading group area will not be provided (but a seperate quiet area for sulking teenagers will be available).Sex
This is forbidden:
1) Within sight of any children.
2) In the public bar of The [local pub] (though the dining room is available on request).
3) With my daughters.
4) In a camper van in the car park of the local church.
5) Before 9:00 p.m. on the Saturday.
6) After 9:00 a.m. on the Sunday.
It is allowed at any other time/place. Extensive experimentation suggests that the garden shed is unsuitable for this purpose due to the fact that:
1) There is no window or curtains.
2) It is too small and full of rubbish.
3) There doesn’t appear to be any way of keeping the door closed from the inside.
However, further experiments are welcomed. In the best scientific traditions results of these experiments should be sent for peer review to the hosts, and will be made widely available if they can be repeated.We look forward to your company.
Chris and Helen
Well, I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. However, I stress that this email came with the following disclaimer:
The views expressed in this email are exclusively those of the author. They do not reflect in any way, shape, or form the views and opinions of his wife, children, wider family, distant relatives, friends, colleagues, employer, heroes, idols, gods or any form of life anywhere in the known or unknown universe higher than a single celled amoeba, the use of plural pronouns notwithstanding.
You have been warned.
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